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Posts: 998
Sep 3 08 3:20 AM
Aimes--
Great post. In fact, I was going to do a post on a similar subject...so I'll just hijack yours !!!
So much of the time, the "oldies" with advise the "newbies" not to date too soon. On the one hand, this is good advise, as new relationships will often bring up "old grief", causing an individual emotional pain that is as great or greater than they experienced when they first divorced. However, these relationships are growth opportunities, too. I've learned from my dates....even though some of them ended in emotional pain....I also learned a lot about myself. I think that is the key.
I don't think my X has learned this lesson. He has been dating a woman from Lithuania for two to three years now. They went to Lithuania to visit her family this year, despite the fact that they have had severe troubles with their relationship. My X has been dating other women (surprise, surprise) and she, obviously, wasn't happy about that fact. It seems that she hooked up with an old friend over in the "old country" in full sight of my X. He is livid! It seems that it is o.k. for HIM to "cheat" or have multiple relationships, but not the women he has relationships with. He was floored to find out that I would have the nerve to divorce him rather than put up with his behavior--and this after HE moved 1200 miles away from his sons and I!!! It saddens me to see that four years later, he's done no inner work--he doesn't know himself any better than he did the day he left.
My "inner work" has helped me come to the conclusion that I need to fix my own problems---finding another man who is "opposite" from my X will not solve my problems---only I can solve my problems!!! It has taken a lot of work, and after four years, I'm afraid to say that I've still got a long way to go. But I'm working hard on being a better mother, and some days, I actually think I'm doing better in that department!!
I've got the hard work of defining a new "dream" for my youngest son and I....and I've got to learn how to be a better mentor to my oldest son. When I was first "healing" about a year after my X moved out and a few months after the divorce was final, I went through a "party girl" stage. I guess I thought that I would remain in that stage once I moved to another state...but found I didn't want it. I had the opportunity to do that, but was looking for something more satisfying. I'm still deciding on what that "looks like"--but as Paul says "seek and ye shall find." So I keep on seeking..........
So I think the sad truth is that no one can pattern-match. Some will start dating immediately after their divorces and that relationship will work out well. Others won't. Some will take a short time to "move on" others a much longer time....there are no absolutes, no right or wrong. The only truth is, only doing the hard inner work will truly "heal" you.....facing hard facts, coming to terms with one's spirituality, accepting one's grief...all hard jobs, that for most people can't be accomplished in a short period of time.
So, this response has been much too long.......thanks for reading!
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