Since you seem to need to write...don't stop at just writing here!
Write to her, even if you don't send it.
Write on paper..so that you can re-read it as you go and see your progress over the coming months, and I can tell you from experience, there will be progress if you keep going forward and learn to stop looking backward.
Write to friends.
Write to organize your thoughts..even when you ramble on and on...it does help!
You can get to a point where you can make sense of all this.
You can do it!
Sue