CalBob,

First, thank you for your words of wisdom and an "outside-the-box" perspective.

I guess I'm trying to substantiate my marriage or end it where it stands. I never expected a marriage to be what mine is. I thought there to be more good times than bad and more love being expressed daily. You are correct in saying that I don't give my marriage much of a chance. It hurts me to feel that way as I want us to be the happiest family I know. And I also worry that if this isn't the woman I am destined to be with, am I eliminating the chance to find the woman I am supposed to be with? As you said, I love my wife yet feel it's not enough. I don't feel that she loves me and I don't see things that would prove it. Before we deployed for Iraq she had the opportunity to get out of the military with an honorable discharge and not have to deploy. This is offered to Dual-military (both parents in the military) couples in every service. We had talked about it and I told her my feelings on the situation. In my opinion, I would rather my son have his mother by his side to raise him (he was six months old when I left; nine months when my wife left) rather than my wife with me in a combat zone. I would not want to have both parents of my son susceptible to enemy combatants unnecessarily. It scares me knowing that my son may not have parents when out tour is over. My wife knew these feelings and had her own feelings as well. At the time she felt she had an obligation to finish her duty to country and finish the job she had. She has always been very work oriented yet has not felt very accomplished in the past. This deployment was her chance to "finish what she started".

As far as your post: The other thing you said that could cause you some problems is telling your wife that she needs to be a wife and mother and she can (and I think that you meant can't) be one without the other.

We had an argument today about my daughter getting sick and it upsetting my wife. She doesn't want me spending time with my daughter to take away from her time with our son. And understandably so. During our spat, she had said something about being a mother to our son and I responded with "you need to a wife AND a mother" and her rebuttal was "I can be one with out the other" as she picked up our son. This was a direct strike at my heart. I cannot write the pain that I feel from that. My pain is heavy and I have no outlet. I really believe she doesn't love me regardless of how much I love her.

Now what do I need help with? I don't know. I know if I go to a doctor and get anti-depressants or seek physiological care that it may affect my security clearance in the future. I don't have many people that I trust enough to tell about what is going on in my life so I have chosen to seek anonymous online help. I know that I am hurting so deeply in my heart right now that nothing feels right. Thank you for at least letting me vent.