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Re: HELP! PLEASE HELP!
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juliaB5
HELP! PLEASE HELP!
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Jul 12 08 8:45 PM
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Welcome sad dad,
I am 2 years out into my separation and I have grown some in my thinking about what caused my marriage to unravel. One thing is I failed to consider that my communication style is not the only or best way to communicate. I had my opinions and stated them. Not in a "my way or else" kind of way - but "this is what I think I/we/you should do". I wanted him to either agree /or disagree and propose a compromise. Or I would propose a compromise and I wanted him to dialog on that. I think we can all guess that secretly I did hope he would see that my way was closer to the best way.....Well, that communication didn't work for him apparently. He never felt comfortable even expressing disagreement. Not just with me by the way, with anyone. He avoided all conflict like his parents had. And the thing is...... although I feel like mine was a valid way of communicating....it isn't the only way. So to my stbx, my communication DID sound like my way or else. And it never occurred to me to radically change my style. And it never occurred to him to express anything except passive-aggressively; but that is a whole different part of the story. So I do not let him off the hook for his part in this communication debacle, BUT I can now recognize my own flawed thinking and want to clear that up before I meet anyone new.
The details of these fights with your wife elude me somewhat, and I think the details are not the real issue. It sounds to me like you are both communicating (fighting) in your own set ways, and are unaware of how the other is interpreting that communication. I hear you say how pained and hurt you feel about the issues involved, but no sign that you empathize or understand how she is feeling. Finding THAT out and exploring the disagreement from a new angle to me seems crucial. It does not mean caving in by the way. It means active and open listening. You may actually be on the same side of these issues. I don't know frankly. But I do know that when one or both sides feels controlled, either mistakenly or justly, the marriage will eventually collapse.
Please pause to take a closer, calmer look at what she is asking from you. Or if you haven't heard her yet, please detach from your agenda just long enough to really ask and listen to the answer. This may seem too hard. It is SOOOOO easy to be on that high horse. And she is on hers too. So she would have to eventually stop her agenda long enough to hear you too. It does take two to save a marriage. But sometimes, maybe, one person can slow things down and offer a new opening to restart the conversation in a different way.
Julia
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HELP! PLEASE HELP!
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