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HELP! PLEASE HELP!
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Re: HELP! PLEASE HELP!
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CalBob
HELP! PLEASE HELP!
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Jul 13 08 9:53 PM
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First, I would urge you to read julia's post over and over again. Very often, when people argue, they don't realize that how they say something is just as important as what they said, and I think that might be a lot of what's going on here, and I think that a counselor would probably be of enormous help to both of you in helping you communicate your feelings without blaming the other person for those feelings.
Secondly, your last post raised concerns in my mind, and it caused me to have more questions about what's going on. Let me be more specific and I'm going to ask some questions. Those questions are primarily for you to think about. You can attempt to answer them here if you like but it's more important for you to give them honest consideration than to answer them here.
I never expected a marriage to be what mine is. I thought there to be more good times than bad and more love being expressed daily.
Do you understand that virtually nobody's marriage is ever what they expected it to be? For most couples, the first year of marriage is very difficult. For one thing, you go from living alone or with people whom you know well to living with a total stranger, and that requires a lot of adjustment on both your parts, and it takes time to have a comfort level with those adjustments. As far as there being more good times than bad, that usually takes some time. Are you willing to give it that time?
You are correct in saying that I don't give my marriage much of a chance.
Our behavior is, to a huge extent, controlled by what we believe. If you don't believe that there's much of a possibility that your marriage will survive, then it's likely that you're not going to put much of an effort into doing what you need to do in order to help it survive. Does that make sense and can you see ways that you may have sabotaged any attempts to make things better because of this belief?
I also worry that if this isn't the woman I am destined to be with, am I eliminating the chance to find the woman I am supposed to be with?
Shouldn't you have worried about this before you got married? Once again, this kind of thinking is likely to cause you to fail to exert the effort and hard work that are required to build a marriage, even if the marriage wasn't yet in trouble. It just me or does your saying that you love her seem to contradict your worrying about whether she's the woman you're destined to be with. The fact is that she's the woman you chose to be with, and if you really love her, then you need to do your best to love her.
How about if we rephrase your question? If you don't give 100% effort into trying to do your part to make this marriage work and it fails, how would you know that she wasn't the one for you?
I love my wife yet feel it's not enough. I don't feel that she loves me and I don't see things that would prove it.
You can love her to pieces in your heart, but what, if anything, are you doing to show her that you love her? You say that you don't feel that she loves you because you don't see things that prove it. What have you shown her to prove to her that you love her? Also, what things would you need to see that would prove to you that she loves you?
Love, btw, is usually spelled t i m e. How much time are you spending with each other? When was the last time you and she had fun together? Very often, I see couples trying to resolve some serious issues in their relationship, but they've stopped having fun together, and I have to wonder how they could possibly expect to deal with those serious issues if they can't even figure out how to have fun together which is a much easier thing to do.
I don't know if you realize this or not or whether it was your intent, but the way that your last post reads seems to indicate that the reason you feel that she doesn't love you is that she has chosen to remain in Iraq despite your objections, and I think that we all understand your objections. However, I think that her decision has more to do with her sense of obligation and duty and wanting to be close to you (a strong indication, btw, that she does love you) than not loving you. To put this another way, just because she want allow you to control her doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.
As far as her rebutting your statement that she can't be just a wife or a mother and it hurting her, I don't know the tone of voice in which she said it or the body language that she used. However, while the statement is a disagreement with what you said, I can't see that the statement, in itself, was meant to cause you hurt.
What I do see is that you made a stupid and hurtful statement. Telling a woman that she has to be both a wife and a mother or she can't be either is a very stupid, disrespectful, controlling, and hurtful thing to say. If you don't believe me, ask the women here how they'd feel if they heard that from their husband and at least one already addressed that.
If your wife's body language and tone was such that it did appear to be meant to hurt you, then she probably was responding to the hurt that your statement caused her. That doesn't excuse her. Hurting one's spouse because they hurt you only leads to war and wars destroy marriages. However, I do think that, if you haven't already apologized to her, you need to do so as soon as possible. Besides time, love is saying that you're sorry even if you don't understand what you did wrong, didn't mean to hurt them, and even if the other person wronged you and hasn't apologized to you. If you wait for her to apologize, it might never happen and, if you ask anybody, who has had a long, successful, and fairly happy marriage, they'll all tell you that one of the secrets is apologizing when they've hurt their spouse as soon as possible.
I know that I've been rather blunt. Part of the reason is that I once was a 25 year old man myself and I was even more selfish and self centered than you. Fortunately, I didn't get married until a few years later, but even then it took somebody to figuratively hit me over the head with a 2x4 to show me what a jerk I was being toward my wife, and I don't think that you're being a jerk, just somewhat confused.
For now, I'd suggest two things. First, try to focus on having fun with your wife. Take her out on a date. Spend time with her, and avoid any discussions of the relationship until you go to counseling and learn how to communicate your feelings in ways that won't seem controlling or hurtful to her.
And, of course, my second suggestion is that you get counseling, especially to learn how to communicate with her.
I also hope that, after you get through being pissed at me, that you'll consider what I've said and do what makes sense to you. The fact is that divorce is extremely painful and you have enough conflict in your life without adding the conflict of going through a divorce to it.
Finally, let me thank both you and your wife for your service and your sacrifice, and I'm praying for you, both that you all come home safely and that your marriage will eventually be the happiest one possible. I believe that, if you're willing to do the work, and believe that it can be, then, if your wife is willing to work with you, it can be.
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