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Re: Dilemna
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Marvin.relationshipgra...
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Oct 21 11 10:00 AM
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Absolutely normal behavior on her part, and that lady's boyfriend. Dating someone who has kids can be really frustrating, btu they are likely doing what is best for their kids, which is what you are supposed to do when you have kids. My advice is for you to appreciate your time to yourself.
Do yourself a favor and agree to follow these 12 rules for dating after divorce and seperations and re-marrying, from now on, as best you can:
1) don't date until your divorce is final.
2) don't date a person who is seperated and not yet divorced.
3) when you date a person who has kids, no matter what the kids or the person or his ex says or does, the new girlfriend/boyfriend does not meet the kids until after you have agreed to be comittedly exclusive and both agree that the realtionship is likely to lead to engagement and marriage within the next couple years at least, and not less than about 3 months into the relationship, and then limit the contact at first to the initial meet and greet and the occassional dinner, event, etc. Then you slowly increase the contact with the kids over the course of several months, but limit it to no more than about 25% of the time he/she has with the kids. Stay away on the kid's birthdays and holidays like thanksgiving, christmass, and easter. Same advice for the dad/mom.
4) You do not try to spend very much time with his/her kids until you are engaged to be married. No more than 25%. At that point sit the kids down and make a big deal about the betrothal and such and gradually increase the contact to about 75% of the time he/she has the kids by the date of the wedding. Same advice for the dad/mom.
5) Don't move in until you are married.
6) Don't drag out the engageemnt, but don't rush it. 3 months to 9 months, and be content with a small cheap wedding. Don't spend you're spouse's kids college money or child support paymernt on the wedding!!!!!
7) If you or your new spouse is the non-custodial parent, from now on, you will spend 50% to 75% of the time that he/she has the kids with him, and he/she she will get alone time with the kids for at least 25% of his/her visitation, whether that means he takes them out places alone, or you go out and leave him/her with the kids at home, for the rest of their childhood.
8) if you are or your new spouse is the custodial parent, you will spend about1 full day every two weeks on his/her weekend by yourself, away from the wife and kids. take up hunting golf, fishing etc, if you like. This is not the Brady bunch the Brady Bunch was total nonsense.
9) Know your role and make your loyalities crystal clear. The step parent does not become a new parent. You should not discipline th echildren or tell them what to do unless the actual parent is not in the room to do it themselves.
10) However, be crystal clear where your loyalties lie. They lie with your new spouse now, not your kids. If you are disrespected or frustrated because the actual parent isn't punishing the kids, or your her kids are being favored over your kids, take it up with your spouse in private, away from the kids. Never contradict or take sides or overrule the other spouse, even, no, especially if you think the other spouse is wrong, no matter whose kids are involved. You are a monolythic, mutially supportive happy couple around the kids and always in complete agreement. Argue in private.
11) Do not speak to the ex unless you have to, and then, if you do, say as little as possible and never allow yourself to be drawn into an argument. You're new spouse or significant other will understand far better than you do that arguing like that with your ex is simply the final stage of your relationship, not what happens after the relationship is over. So consider arguing like that with the ex, at least whern you don't have to, as cheating. That gets real old real fast for the new person.
12) expect the boyfriend's or husband's kids to be total brats, to be crazy, to be mean and to fight with your kids, and to try to destroy your relationship, and do and say nothing in return. They are kids and they have been throught something and are being forced to deal with a situation that no kid should have to deal with, so as long as nobody is in danger shut up and take it! If somebody is in danger, just shut up and leave!
If you don't follow this, and get on ther program early, your ex spouse and your perfect wonderfull kids will be the main things tearing your realtionship apart.
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