Goodness, I really sounded like I had lost it in my last post. That was a horrible day, I had just spent Thrusday, Friday and
Saturday....all three days completely alone, no outside contact at all. Mourning what was supposed to be, but wasn't. Thank you all for your posts, they
mean the world to me.
Today its not so bad, I'm sort of rather ticked off, more than anything. At him, mostly, oh who am I kidding, totally at him. It had occured to me to
publicly post all of the horrible things he had done to me and make myself look like an angel in the process. But the truth is, I wasn't an angel, and what
good would cpme out of trying to humilate my ex without him knowing it. My guess is that he is already humilated.
But I have thought alot about what Patrick said and what my sister has told me over and over, you go through things, you never stay in them. At first I got
really ticked off at her for saying that, because what the hell did she know about it, she didn't have to have her husband arrested. Now I realize, my
sister survived breast cancer twice, lived with a nut job raging alocoholic and went through a divorce. I reckon she does have some authority on the subject!
The thing is, (and believe me I know the long nights some of my very favorite people in DCS have had with me). People can say the same things to you over and
over and over, and while the going joke is all I hear is BLA BLA BLA...you have no idea how true that is. I couldn't hear you all, I didn't believe it
when you all said it would get better and I still don't listen cuz I keep making the same horrendous mistakes to this day. In all honesty, my mistakes are
easy even for me to identify, but I am doing better with it. I'm struggling through being alone now, and i don't like it one bit, but I don't have
the urgency to float from one disaster to the next....well, ok, I still have that tendency, but Rome wasn't built in a day. But what I want to say to all,
is thanks, and I do hear you in between the bla bla bla....but I'm not going to guantee that I am going to do the right thing. Because I am very hard
headed, and I just gotta go through it to realize that's not where I wanna go. I am trying though, and its evident in my small victories. So if I keep
celebrating the small victories, maybe one day I will have bigger victories to celebrate. And you all will be the first to know when I do!




