A huge and friendly "hello" to everyone who is a part of this great forum. I'm a newbie to this group, and a newbie to separation. Without a
doubt this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.
Met my husband when I was 19, married at 21. Now I'm 26 (he's 32) and facing life on my own. On one hand I am glad not to have children, but on the other hand I am sad not to have them to focus on. I guess it means starting the difficult task of focusing on myself to properly heal.
I've been separated for just over three months now and my ex and I are in the process of dividing up our "stuff". It seems so incredibly mundane the trivial stuff I use to value. We've agreed to live as if we are divorced until the one year mark where we can finalize it legally with paperwork.
One of the things that gives me hope is looking at the stages of grief, to see how far I've come. Hopefully by posting my progress it will encourage others to also share their stories ~ it may show me that there is light at the end, and I would really appreciate that.
Stage One: Denial
This started about three months before our separation. I was asked by my ex what was more important for me: living my life as an individual or as a wife. Of course I responded that it was best for me to live as a wife, to which I was told that it would probably be best for me to live more as an individual. I was shocked and thought to myself "no, this can't be what I think it is".
My birthday rolled around, and I got nothing. Yet my girlfriends, and girls he worked with all got really nice gifts for their birthdays. He would tell me about how happy he was that he got just the right thing for them. I was getting more upset and thought to myself "well, this is just a bump: we'll get over it"
Stage Two: Anger
He asked to take another woman out to dinner, to which I responded that "it's been a while since you've taken me out". I forget the exact conversation after that, something about being free to do as we both wished. It was the start of the anger phase. There were a lot of conversations about what we could do to "fix our marriage", we read the book the relationship cure, we tried counselling, but it eventually led to us crying together over a lovely dinner and agreeing that we needed to separate. In quite an anger flood, we drew a line upstairs and divided up our living quarters. I moved out shortly after and have been living in a small bachelor suite a few blocks away.
Stage Three: Bargaining
This is where I am right now. There are times where I would truly trade my soul for a chance to go back to the way things use to be. I never really want to go back to him, but just back to the way I use to feel ~happy and secure, with a knowledge of how my future would be. I remember going back to our former home, just to do dishes. I felt for that moment so incredibly close to the fantasy of how life use to be. Last night I bargained sex, hoping to feel love in return. Instead, I just felt so horribly empty. It makes me wonder if there really is such a thing as love, or if it's all just a fleeing fantasy feeling created by overactive imaginations. I sit here now and know that I am still clinging to a need to love and be loved. How do I protect myself?
Although I'm not through with the grieving process yet, the fourth and fifth stages are depression and acceptance. Maybe I can just skip the whole depression part and just get this over with.
Thanks to everyone for listening, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts through your text.
Met my husband when I was 19, married at 21. Now I'm 26 (he's 32) and facing life on my own. On one hand I am glad not to have children, but on the other hand I am sad not to have them to focus on. I guess it means starting the difficult task of focusing on myself to properly heal.
I've been separated for just over three months now and my ex and I are in the process of dividing up our "stuff". It seems so incredibly mundane the trivial stuff I use to value. We've agreed to live as if we are divorced until the one year mark where we can finalize it legally with paperwork.
One of the things that gives me hope is looking at the stages of grief, to see how far I've come. Hopefully by posting my progress it will encourage others to also share their stories ~ it may show me that there is light at the end, and I would really appreciate that.
Stage One: Denial
This started about three months before our separation. I was asked by my ex what was more important for me: living my life as an individual or as a wife. Of course I responded that it was best for me to live as a wife, to which I was told that it would probably be best for me to live more as an individual. I was shocked and thought to myself "no, this can't be what I think it is".
My birthday rolled around, and I got nothing. Yet my girlfriends, and girls he worked with all got really nice gifts for their birthdays. He would tell me about how happy he was that he got just the right thing for them. I was getting more upset and thought to myself "well, this is just a bump: we'll get over it"
Stage Two: Anger
He asked to take another woman out to dinner, to which I responded that "it's been a while since you've taken me out". I forget the exact conversation after that, something about being free to do as we both wished. It was the start of the anger phase. There were a lot of conversations about what we could do to "fix our marriage", we read the book the relationship cure, we tried counselling, but it eventually led to us crying together over a lovely dinner and agreeing that we needed to separate. In quite an anger flood, we drew a line upstairs and divided up our living quarters. I moved out shortly after and have been living in a small bachelor suite a few blocks away.
Stage Three: Bargaining
This is where I am right now. There are times where I would truly trade my soul for a chance to go back to the way things use to be. I never really want to go back to him, but just back to the way I use to feel ~happy and secure, with a knowledge of how my future would be. I remember going back to our former home, just to do dishes. I felt for that moment so incredibly close to the fantasy of how life use to be. Last night I bargained sex, hoping to feel love in return. Instead, I just felt so horribly empty. It makes me wonder if there really is such a thing as love, or if it's all just a fleeing fantasy feeling created by overactive imaginations. I sit here now and know that I am still clinging to a need to love and be loved. How do I protect myself?
Although I'm not through with the grieving process yet, the fourth and fifth stages are depression and acceptance. Maybe I can just skip the whole depression part and just get this over with.
Thanks to everyone for listening, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts through your text.




